Announcement grace

I’ve had several people ask me why I never put an official (especially early) announcement on facebook about our pregnancy.

To be honest, I struggled (battled) internally about this issue.  Still do.  

When we were trying to get pregnant, all the announcements and baby pictures (while I tried to rejoice with the parents) were VERY difficult for me to see.  I found myself traveling the road of anger, jealousy, envy and just. plain. sadness.  

With that said, as I hit mile stones in my pregnancy (particularly 12 weeks) when often people ‘announce,’ I found myself holding back.  Not because I’m at all ashamed of my pregnancy.  We didn’t even need help getting pregnant, it was simply time and trust in the Lord.  

BUT while my heart was rejoicing in this incredible gift (and trust me, I wanted to blast the news), the tears flowed thinking about all the momma’s out there who so badly wanted a baby to grow inside them, those struggling with infertility and losses.  

I still cry for you.  I beg to Jesus on your behalf.

I write this blog to bring light to the issue.  Those who are struggling are all around you.  I’m not saying one should or shouldn't announce the joys of life in social media.  I will probably continue to do so.  But rather, I challenge all of us to think about those who may be on the receiving end.  And extend grace.  Extend love, patience and thoughtfulness. Maybe its a private phone call or message to let them know you care and are thinking of them.

I also write this for those of you who are in the midst of waiting on the Lord for children (or a spouse or a happy marriage or fill in the blank).  I pray that you can see the struggle that also goes on the other end.  I’m sure there are plenty out there like me, who want to share and rejoice in the good news (whatever the news may be) but also struggle with hurting you.  Please extend grace to us as well.

Lastly, I wrestle with blogging/posting this, because I may be (ok- will probably be) an insincere hypocrite some day!  I apologize to you now.  But I guess I’m ok with that, because this is where I’m at with this issue today.

My hope is just to bring some understanding to this place that so many women are struggling.

Simple things

Its the little things that matter.

Its taking out the garbage.

Its doing the dishes.  

Its making the bed.  

Its leaving notes around the house to let someone know you care.

Simple things.

They take time, but they matter.

This week Mike left for a work trip to California.  I had to work that day too, and left before he did.  Upon my arrival home, I was greeted with a note saying that he had left messages around the house for me.  He wanted me to know how much I was loved and appreciated.  Not only did he leave notes, but he also took out the garbage, made our bed and put the dishes way.  Simple things - things he also does at other times - but they were ALL done before he left!  I think it was the notes that sent me over the edge with emotion, but it also was the fact that he took the time to do these tasks for me without being asked.

I spent two hours bawling like a baby that night. TWO HOURS, friends.  Tears of joy.  Tears of thankfulness.  Tears of deep, deep love.

I also spent many of those moments pondering why I was such a wreck about it.  While many thoughts came to me, one that definitely spoke to me was Mike’s reflection of Christ.

He didn't have to do ANY of those things.  He simply did them out of a heart to serve me.  A heart of love and selflessness.

As I've thought more about it, I think of ‘little’ things the Lord does for me each day.  Things I don’t notice.  He ‘takes out my garbage,’ forgiving me of the sin I entangle myself in.  He keeps me held together, providing me with all the strength I need.  He shares His love for me through a love note written years ago!

What if I searched for His word, His truth and His love for me as much as I searched around my house for the love notes my husband had hidden!?  How would that change my relationship with the Lord?

We are called, as Jesus’ disciples, to “love the Lord with all our heart” and to “love others as ourselves.”  

This leaves me with two thoughts to ponder tonight:

1. What am I thankful for TODAY (little things) that the Lord has done and is doing for me?
2. What simple things could I do for others, to be a reflection of Christ’s love this week--WITHOUT being asked?  

I challenge you to do the same.

I say Tomato, you say Tomahto

I found the first red tomato in our garden today!  It was quite the find.  After all, when you work so hard for something and finally see results, the joy overflows.

There was something unique about my first tomato. It reminded me of myself.

You see, it wasn't quite what I had pictured.  It was small.  It had markings of imperfections.  It was slightly dirty.  I could tell it had 'weathered' the test of time.

But, it was my first tomato.

This tomato had quite the journey to get to my mouth:

• It started as a small seed.  I planted it indoors in late March/early April.  I then transplanted it into the garden in June.  Still it was just a small two inch plant.  
• It withstood the floods of June.  
• It grew, even though weeds tried to entangle it.  
• We then worked so hard to mulch the garden and suffocate the weeds.  I found myself being so protective of my little plants.  They were so cute as they grew!

So, finally today, September 5, 2014, I picked my first tomato.

And while, this tomato wasn't perfect, neither am I!

It was still worth the journey - floods, weeds, mulching, dirt and all!

And in the end it was sweet and felt like a long awaited gift to me :)

Can you relate?

Finding Joy: Part 2

“I’ve got the joy, joy, joy, joy down in my heart

where?

down in my heart

where?

down in my heart

I’ve got the joy, joy, joy, joy down in my heart

where?

down in my heart to stay

And I’m so happy, so very happy

I’ve got the love of Jesus in my heart

and I’m so happy, so very happy

I’ve got the love of Jesus in my heart”

Do you know that childhood song?  I've got the joy

In my small accountability group this morning, we found ourselves singing this song.  Not because we felt joy, but because we desire it.

Its easy to feel joy when life is going exactly as we want.  Exactly as we had hoped.  

But lets be honest, when does life go EXACTLY as we want

or EXACTLY as we had hoped!?

After almost a year now of trying to have a baby, I haven’t always felt the joy of the Lord.  I get easily angered when people ask when we are going to have a baby.  I feel sarcastic comments come to mind and find myself biting my tongue.  I've gotten mad at God more this year, than I can remember in my life!  Frustrated that He doesn't hear me.  Or feeling like He is playing a game with me and withholding this good gift from me because of something I've done wrong.  (I know these are lies, just bear with me)

I've evaluated my body more than ever!  I've controlled things that Mike was previously doing ‘just in case’ they were affecting our fertility.  I've done so much reading and analyzing about things in order to try to get pregnant.  

My expectations of what I want, have overshadowed the hope and joy I already(!!) have in Christ.  

The last few months have also been a whirlwind for our immediate family.  Mike’s family (dad) has been going through many trials of pastoring and shepherding a church.  In June, we found out my sister Betsy, who just had a baby in January, had a brain tumor.  After lots of testing and months of wondering, she underwent brain surgery in July.

I've seen my sister and Mike’s dad rise up to fight these trials.  I've seen strength, trust and faith soar through them!  I've been humbled by their situations, wondering if I would deal with these testings as they have.  

I’ve asked the question, ‘where is hope found in the midst of all these trials, hurts and pains?’  

This week two separate people have read 1 Peter 1 to me!  I felt the need to share.  After all, I desire to be authentic about where my heart has been and where it hopes(!!) to be!  May these words bring you hope and joy, as they've done for me.

(Verse 3-9--emphasis by me)

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade. This inheritance is kept in heaven for you, who through faith are shielded by God’s power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time.  In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the end result of your faith, the salvation of your souls.

(Verse 13)

Therefore, with minds that are alert and fully sober, set your hope on the grace to be brought to you when Jesus Christ is revealed at his coming.

This Scripture is FILLED with the hope that we can find in spending eternity with Jesus and the joy that fills our souls as we believe in Him through our trials.  

A reminder that our hope is NOT the situation we find ourselves in.  

Our joy is NOT what people do or don’t say about us.

At its deepest level…

Our hope and joy are purely. found. in. Christ.

As I attempt to wrap my brain around this, it brings me back to the song.  

Perhaps the song of my heart sounds more like this:

I pray for joy, joy, joy, joy down in my heart

where?

down in my heart!

where?

down in my heart!

I pray for joy, joy, joy, joy down in my heart

down in my heart to stay

And I’m so thankful, so very thankful

I’ve got the love of Jesus in my heart

and I’m so thankful, so very thankful

I’ve got the love Jesus in my heart!

Desert Joy

I sat there in the middle of the desert.  Our second anniversary was not going as planned. From the 24 hour plane delays- to missing our RV pick up time- to Google taking us out to the middle of no-where, my expectations and frustrations had hit the roof!

As I sat there irritated and attempting to pray, what I didn't know was that all of our engine oil was leaking out of our RV. We would soon find out that the rock we hit on our 'off-road' boon-docking excursion would cause us more setbacks!  

Let me share why this moment was so perfect for me.

I started the year with a goal to be joyful and joy filled.  After all, as a follower of Christ, He gives us joy freely!  I had often found myself living into my negative thoughts and fear, so I was challenged to change a pattern of my past!

However...

January and February were especially rough months.  Not only was I not living into the joy of salvation in Jesus, but I was not practicing what I preached!  After several months of trying, praying and begging God to get pregnant, my insides felt ‘crumbly,’ ‘thorny,’ ‘weary,’ and ‘dry.’   I had struggled to find joy in the midst of my pain and barrenness.  I questioned if the Lord even heard me when I prayed.  I was bitter at those who were getting pregnant so easily.  It was hard to go to work and church, only to be surrounded with babies and families.  I felt flames of anger sore through my body every time I heard, “When are you and Mike going to have a baby?” or the straight up “Are you pregnant” or the accusation “I bet you're pregnant and just not saying.”

The Lord could not have brought me to a better place to physically SEE what was happening in me, than the middle of a desert!

And as I sat there praying, hoping and begging for the Lord to be near, He delivered.  I heard a whisper, “Heidi, look up...look out.”

Beautiful mountains surrounded me!

“I lift up my eyes to the mountains— where does my help come from? 

My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth.”

Psalm 121:1-2

The Lord gave me a picture of His faithfulness.  He was doing something beautiful around my desert(ed) time.  I felt a promise that this time of emptiness (physically and emotionally) was being used for His glory.  A reminder that He heard me.  

What I did NOT hear was that I would get out of the desert quickly.  I did NOT hear God tell me that He was going to give me a baby.  I did NOT hear Him say that this journey of building a family would be free from pain and thorns.

BUT, I got to physically see a taste of His beauty, provision and faithfulness.  

James 1:2-4 “Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.”

By the way, we eventually got pulled out of the desert.  We had a few more set-backs (!!) but eventually made it to Joshua Tree National Park where we spent an afternoon before heading to the airport the next morning!

Joshua Trees

Sunset overlooking San Andreas Fault

After weeks of reflecting on our adventurous and trialing anniversary trip, I've been able to share our story with much JOY and laughter!  I still have my down days, but the Lord always seems to come through, reminds me of this moment and picks me up.

I don’t share these thoughts for “I’m sorry’s” or advice/suggestions. I share this for others who may be or have been in the desert.  God is with you, friends!  Look up!  Look out!  He is using your dry time for good.

6 things I love about him...

Mike and I celebrated our 6 month anniversary last night (9/3/12) after I got home from work.  Mike had dinner ready and a glass of wine poured.   We shared stories of events and things we've shared and learned through the last 6 months of marriage!  It’s been a challenging, rewarding, adventurous 6 months of marriage, and I cannot wait for more J

6 things I love about my husband on our 6 month anniversary!

6.  His burgers and kabobs.  He’s making it hard for me to go out to eat for a burger…I would much rather eat his home made, grilled burgers.  Yum!

5.  Our date nights.  Since we were married, we’ve made a commitment to keep our relationship first and have found having a date night each week is helpful to keep us connected and doing things together.  Just to name a few:  biking to Lake Alvin, eating Jimmy Johns, while watching the sunset (picture below); picnicking at the Falls then walking downtown to listen to jazz music; eating Juice Stop (ok, we do this often, but hey! It's sooo good); walking around our neighborhoods and watching the sunset (we’ve already lived in 2 since we’ve been married!);  making dinner together then giving each other back massages.  It’s really more about the company than what we do!

4.  The way he makes me smile J  I think it’s his goal each day to make me crack a smile, even if I’m not ‘feeling it’.  He’s done well, as I cannot think of a day that has gone by that I didn’t smile at least once.  He is such a good encourager for me.  Always reminding me that I am beautiful and how he wouldn’t change a thing about how God created me.  That always helps me on those days I look in the mirror and pick at this or that.  Or on those days I feel down and feel the weight of the world on my shoulders.   I turn around and there is my husband, doing or saying something goofy to make me crack J

3. His touch.  His hugs pull me in with strength and tell me in themselves that I am loved.  Even while we sit in the car or in church, he’ll often have his hand on my knee.  It’s enough to say “I love you” J

2.  His inquisitive mind.  My husband is always learning or intrigued about something.  I’ve learned so much over the past 6 months.  I don’t think I would have even thought twice about the lunar or Venus eclipse or the fact that a woman just received a robotic eye!  I love Mike’s mind.   If I ever wonder about something, I just need to go to him.  Either he knows the answer and shares it readily, makes up an answer that satisfies me or searches on his smart phone for the answer.  I have my own encyclopedia living with me!

1. Mike’s commitment to Christ.  We both believe that Jesus MUST be the center of our marriage.  All of our disagreements have ended in a surrendering prayer.  With Mike’s eyes on the Lord it makes it easy for me to follow Him.  I am sometimes brought to tears by his kindness and love.  He truly desires to make the most of the life the Lord has given him while he is here on earth and it brings deep joy within me to share in this adventure with him.  

40 days of marriage...

We have officially been married 40 days!
"40 days" is a pretty significant number in the Bible, so it got me thinking this morning about what it means.
In Matthew, Jesus was tempted in the desert for 40 days. He had no food or water. He resisted the devil and his temptations in the midst of hunger/thirst.
In Exodus, Moses received instruction from the Lord on Mount Sinai for 40 days and 40 nights. He came down from the mountain with a radiant glow.
For 40 days after Jesus' death and resurrection, he showed himself to his chosen apostles to teach them about the kingdom of God and to continue to reveal to them that he is alive!

I think of each of these instances and what the Lord has spoken to me over the past 40 days of marriage.

1. Jesus had to stay connected with the Father during his 40 days in the desert in order to resist temptation. I'm sure it was no easy task for him. It was work: work of the spirit, work of the mind, work of his emotions. In the same way, I've learned that marriage is work. There is still temptation to resist. Temptation over past sin, temptation to want to please myself more than my husband. It is work of my heart, mind and spirit to put my husband and God before myself. In the midst of the temptations though, the Lord has taught me what a wonder gift it is to have a husband walking beside me who prays for me and loves me unconditionally. A gift, indeed.

2. Just as Moses received instruction from the Lord, I feel that the Lord has used these past 40 days to build me up as a woman of God! I have learned a whole new side of God through marriage! Men do not think like women. Nor should we expect them too! But it's easy in my selfishness to want Mike to be just like me--to think as I think, and to think ahead of me so he can meet all my needs! haha. BUT, this isn't reality. And reality is this: God has blessed me with a husband that teaches me new things all the time, one who gives up things that he wants to do to spend time with me, one who reads and prays with me each night, one who calls me beautiful and desires to put God first in our relationship. Don't get me wrong, it hasn't been easy for us--false expectations and bad communication have gotten in the way a time or two--but when we come back to God's Word and instruction, we are reminded that love isn't about ourselves. It's about God and others.

3. Just as Jesus revealed himself to his apostles for 40 days, the Lord has continued to reveal himself to me over these past 40 days of marriage. I've been reminded time and time again that my joy/happiness/completeness CANNOT come from Mike alone. The first week after our honeymoon, I was pretty down. It felt as though my whole world had been flipped around. I was now living in a new house, in a new town, boxes every where, I was now living with a boy, sleeping with a boy, I had the weight of the world on my shoulders telling me that I needed to do certain 'wifey' things in order to measure up to being a good wife. I was spending so much time and energy thinking about all these things, that I also allowed my time with God to slip. What I learned though through this is: A. I need time to adjust after change! and B. God MUST come first over my husband and over my own desires. If he isn't first I get exhausted trying to carry the weight of the world on my own shoulders.

And just like Moses, who came down the mountain with a radiant glow after spending 40 days and 40 nights with the Lord, I'd have to say that Mike and I are glowing! Marriage is hard work, but it is also so rewarding when you put time into making it something great!

I've only been married 40 days, but I will leave you with this advice:
1. spend time with the Lord each day--lifting up your spouse/marriage in prayer.
2. put the other person first, without expecting anything in return. And remember, they are human and may not notice, but God does and he says "well done, my good and faithful servant."
3. spend time together with your spouse reading God's Word and praying together.
4. have a date night each week that makes you focus on your relationship. You may laugh and say you don't have time. But I promise you, if you make it a priority, it'll help your marriage.