Desert Joy

I sat there in the middle of the desert.  Our second anniversary was not going as planned. From the 24 hour plane delays- to missing our RV pick up time- to Google taking us out to the middle of no-where, my expectations and frustrations had hit the roof!

As I sat there irritated and attempting to pray, what I didn't know was that all of our engine oil was leaking out of our RV. We would soon find out that the rock we hit on our 'off-road' boon-docking excursion would cause us more setbacks!  

Let me share why this moment was so perfect for me.

I started the year with a goal to be joyful and joy filled.  After all, as a follower of Christ, He gives us joy freely!  I had often found myself living into my negative thoughts and fear, so I was challenged to change a pattern of my past!

However...

January and February were especially rough months.  Not only was I not living into the joy of salvation in Jesus, but I was not practicing what I preached!  After several months of trying, praying and begging God to get pregnant, my insides felt ‘crumbly,’ ‘thorny,’ ‘weary,’ and ‘dry.’   I had struggled to find joy in the midst of my pain and barrenness.  I questioned if the Lord even heard me when I prayed.  I was bitter at those who were getting pregnant so easily.  It was hard to go to work and church, only to be surrounded with babies and families.  I felt flames of anger sore through my body every time I heard, “When are you and Mike going to have a baby?” or the straight up “Are you pregnant” or the accusation “I bet you're pregnant and just not saying.”

The Lord could not have brought me to a better place to physically SEE what was happening in me, than the middle of a desert!

And as I sat there praying, hoping and begging for the Lord to be near, He delivered.  I heard a whisper, “Heidi, look up...look out.”

Beautiful mountains surrounded me!

“I lift up my eyes to the mountains— where does my help come from? 

My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth.”

Psalm 121:1-2

The Lord gave me a picture of His faithfulness.  He was doing something beautiful around my desert(ed) time.  I felt a promise that this time of emptiness (physically and emotionally) was being used for His glory.  A reminder that He heard me.  

What I did NOT hear was that I would get out of the desert quickly.  I did NOT hear God tell me that He was going to give me a baby.  I did NOT hear Him say that this journey of building a family would be free from pain and thorns.

BUT, I got to physically see a taste of His beauty, provision and faithfulness.  

James 1:2-4 “Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.”

By the way, we eventually got pulled out of the desert.  We had a few more set-backs (!!) but eventually made it to Joshua Tree National Park where we spent an afternoon before heading to the airport the next morning!

Joshua Trees

Sunset overlooking San Andreas Fault

After weeks of reflecting on our adventurous and trialing anniversary trip, I've been able to share our story with much JOY and laughter!  I still have my down days, but the Lord always seems to come through, reminds me of this moment and picks me up.

I don’t share these thoughts for “I’m sorry’s” or advice/suggestions. I share this for others who may be or have been in the desert.  God is with you, friends!  Look up!  Look out!  He is using your dry time for good.

6 things I love about him...

Mike and I celebrated our 6 month anniversary last night (9/3/12) after I got home from work.  Mike had dinner ready and a glass of wine poured.   We shared stories of events and things we've shared and learned through the last 6 months of marriage!  It’s been a challenging, rewarding, adventurous 6 months of marriage, and I cannot wait for more J

6 things I love about my husband on our 6 month anniversary!

6.  His burgers and kabobs.  He’s making it hard for me to go out to eat for a burger…I would much rather eat his home made, grilled burgers.  Yum!

5.  Our date nights.  Since we were married, we’ve made a commitment to keep our relationship first and have found having a date night each week is helpful to keep us connected and doing things together.  Just to name a few:  biking to Lake Alvin, eating Jimmy Johns, while watching the sunset (picture below); picnicking at the Falls then walking downtown to listen to jazz music; eating Juice Stop (ok, we do this often, but hey! It's sooo good); walking around our neighborhoods and watching the sunset (we’ve already lived in 2 since we’ve been married!);  making dinner together then giving each other back massages.  It’s really more about the company than what we do!

4.  The way he makes me smile J  I think it’s his goal each day to make me crack a smile, even if I’m not ‘feeling it’.  He’s done well, as I cannot think of a day that has gone by that I didn’t smile at least once.  He is such a good encourager for me.  Always reminding me that I am beautiful and how he wouldn’t change a thing about how God created me.  That always helps me on those days I look in the mirror and pick at this or that.  Or on those days I feel down and feel the weight of the world on my shoulders.   I turn around and there is my husband, doing or saying something goofy to make me crack J

3. His touch.  His hugs pull me in with strength and tell me in themselves that I am loved.  Even while we sit in the car or in church, he’ll often have his hand on my knee.  It’s enough to say “I love you” J

2.  His inquisitive mind.  My husband is always learning or intrigued about something.  I’ve learned so much over the past 6 months.  I don’t think I would have even thought twice about the lunar or Venus eclipse or the fact that a woman just received a robotic eye!  I love Mike’s mind.   If I ever wonder about something, I just need to go to him.  Either he knows the answer and shares it readily, makes up an answer that satisfies me or searches on his smart phone for the answer.  I have my own encyclopedia living with me!

1. Mike’s commitment to Christ.  We both believe that Jesus MUST be the center of our marriage.  All of our disagreements have ended in a surrendering prayer.  With Mike’s eyes on the Lord it makes it easy for me to follow Him.  I am sometimes brought to tears by his kindness and love.  He truly desires to make the most of the life the Lord has given him while he is here on earth and it brings deep joy within me to share in this adventure with him.  

40 days of marriage...

We have officially been married 40 days!
"40 days" is a pretty significant number in the Bible, so it got me thinking this morning about what it means.
In Matthew, Jesus was tempted in the desert for 40 days. He had no food or water. He resisted the devil and his temptations in the midst of hunger/thirst.
In Exodus, Moses received instruction from the Lord on Mount Sinai for 40 days and 40 nights. He came down from the mountain with a radiant glow.
For 40 days after Jesus' death and resurrection, he showed himself to his chosen apostles to teach them about the kingdom of God and to continue to reveal to them that he is alive!

I think of each of these instances and what the Lord has spoken to me over the past 40 days of marriage.

1. Jesus had to stay connected with the Father during his 40 days in the desert in order to resist temptation. I'm sure it was no easy task for him. It was work: work of the spirit, work of the mind, work of his emotions. In the same way, I've learned that marriage is work. There is still temptation to resist. Temptation over past sin, temptation to want to please myself more than my husband. It is work of my heart, mind and spirit to put my husband and God before myself. In the midst of the temptations though, the Lord has taught me what a wonder gift it is to have a husband walking beside me who prays for me and loves me unconditionally. A gift, indeed.

2. Just as Moses received instruction from the Lord, I feel that the Lord has used these past 40 days to build me up as a woman of God! I have learned a whole new side of God through marriage! Men do not think like women. Nor should we expect them too! But it's easy in my selfishness to want Mike to be just like me--to think as I think, and to think ahead of me so he can meet all my needs! haha. BUT, this isn't reality. And reality is this: God has blessed me with a husband that teaches me new things all the time, one who gives up things that he wants to do to spend time with me, one who reads and prays with me each night, one who calls me beautiful and desires to put God first in our relationship. Don't get me wrong, it hasn't been easy for us--false expectations and bad communication have gotten in the way a time or two--but when we come back to God's Word and instruction, we are reminded that love isn't about ourselves. It's about God and others.

3. Just as Jesus revealed himself to his apostles for 40 days, the Lord has continued to reveal himself to me over these past 40 days of marriage. I've been reminded time and time again that my joy/happiness/completeness CANNOT come from Mike alone. The first week after our honeymoon, I was pretty down. It felt as though my whole world had been flipped around. I was now living in a new house, in a new town, boxes every where, I was now living with a boy, sleeping with a boy, I had the weight of the world on my shoulders telling me that I needed to do certain 'wifey' things in order to measure up to being a good wife. I was spending so much time and energy thinking about all these things, that I also allowed my time with God to slip. What I learned though through this is: A. I need time to adjust after change! and B. God MUST come first over my husband and over my own desires. If he isn't first I get exhausted trying to carry the weight of the world on my own shoulders.

And just like Moses, who came down the mountain with a radiant glow after spending 40 days and 40 nights with the Lord, I'd have to say that Mike and I are glowing! Marriage is hard work, but it is also so rewarding when you put time into making it something great!

I've only been married 40 days, but I will leave you with this advice:
1. spend time with the Lord each day--lifting up your spouse/marriage in prayer.
2. put the other person first, without expecting anything in return. And remember, they are human and may not notice, but God does and he says "well done, my good and faithful servant."
3. spend time together with your spouse reading God's Word and praying together.
4. have a date night each week that makes you focus on your relationship. You may laugh and say you don't have time. But I promise you, if you make it a priority, it'll help your marriage.

Twas the night before my wedding...

I was going to try to be creative and put my thoughts to a poem, but there are just so many emotions and crazy feelings going on inside of me, I've lost words to write!
Here are just a few of my thoughts when I think about marrying Mike tomorrow...

Happiness that God brought us (back) together!
Excitement for our journey to come!
Interested in how the whole day will pan out.
Dinner and dancing with our closest family and friends!
Inspired by the man I love :)

Anxious to walk down the aisle towards my groom!
Not knowing where my honeymoon will be!!
Done planning, just time to celebrate :)

Magical moments to come...
In a dream. But I really don't want to wake up!
Courage, well, I am marrying Mike Vetter after all!
Help from family and friends have made this all possible! Thank YOU!
Alot of people love us.
Eager to wake up! I guess I first need to go to sleep ;)
Love. Knowing it will be God's love and grace that will hold us together.

Engagement 10/28/11

First of all, I'm engaged!! Whoohoo! I have an amazing fiance and am so blessed :) The engagement was incredible, but I'm looking forward to marriage. I cannot wait to marry my best friend and the man my soul longs to be with. Its an amazing feeling. I remember not too long ago (actually only 6 months ago) when I was single, asking God who my husband was going to be and what God's plans were for me for the next year! All the patience and obedience has paid off. All my praise goes to the Lord for the work he has done in Mike and I to bring us to this point of engagement.

On to the engagement story...

So for the past month I've been antsy. I was trying to be patient, but hey, I'm a girl and I dream and I wonder...so yes, almost every time Mike and I hung out one on one, I wondered if "this is the night he's going to propose?!"

So Friday night I had wonders if he would propose, but didn't want to get my hopes up too high. He had told me about a week and a half ago that he wanted to carve pumpkins. I started thinking about him proposing by carving out "will you marry me?" in a pumpkin. HEY, remember now, I'm a girl...AND we met 4 years ago (possibly to the day) at a pumpkin carving party. So the wheels in my head were turning.
BUT, like I said, I went into the night thinking, "Heidi, just have fun and relax."
So, Mike picked me up at 6pm. He said how hungry he was and asked if I wanted Jimmy John's. Our favorite place to eat :) At Jimmy John's he said, "How about we take it to my place? It's loud in here anyways." As we were driving away I said, "Oh, where are we going to get the pumpkins from?" And he quickly replied that he had already gotten them for us. HMMM...my wheels really got going.
On the way to Mike's house he suggested that we get Juice Stop. Another favorite of ours. So we took our Jimmy John's and Juice Stop and headed to Mike's house to eat. When we got there, we noticed an amazing sunset...we both REALLY love watching the sunset together :)

We then ate dinner and then Mike suggested that we carve our pumpkins. I was thinking, "oh boy, here it goes!" We decided to not show one another what we were carving until the very end. We baked some pumpkin seeds while carving, then showed each other our pumpkins. "One, two, three, go!" Haha. Mike carved a funny face, while I carved a romantic Eye Heart U. No proposal here.

Mike then suggested we go on a walk. We love taking walks together. We usually go right outside of his apartment. As we got outside, I turned to go to the bike trail and Mike said, "Actually, lets drive somewhere to go for a walk. Does that sound fun? You know me, and I like to be adventurous!" I was a little confused but decided it was better to just go with the flow. In the car I asked which park we should go to. Mike quickly responded with "How about the Big Sioux Rec Area out in Brandon?! How about we climb the hill to lookout over Brandon?!" One of our favorite parks :)
As we arrived at the park, we realized that we needed many layers of clothing and a flashlight to find the trails. It was quite the adventure finding the trails, but the stars were out and it was actually a really beautiful night...just a bit cold! As we started approaching the hill, I looked ahead. I figured if he was going to propose that there would be candles or something lit up. When I didn't see anything, I tried to put to rest my hopes of becoming a fiance Friday night. We got to the top and stood there looking out over Brandon. Suddenly Mike stated, "I'm hot. I'm going to go take off my jacket." I was a little confused as it was only 40 degrees out, but didn't ask questions. He went over behind a bench and bent over.

All of a sudden I was surrounded by Christmas lights lit up!!

Mike had bent over to plug them into the car battery he had hauled up there earlier that day!

I yelled out, "OH MY! Oh my goodness, Oh my goodness! Is this really happening? Am I dreaming? The lights are beautiful!" I jabbered on for a while as Mike pulled me to the center of the lights and got down on his knee. I couldn't believe this was ACTUALLY happening!

He then said some things about God's plan for our lives and how he brought us back together. I was so giddy and looking all around and laughing. Finally he grabbed my hands and said, "Heidi! Focus!" I was like, "OH OK!" And he said, "Heidi, I love you! Will you marry me?" I responded quickly with, "I WILL! YES! Of course! FINALLY!!" We then enjoyed the moment in each others arms. I went over to one of the Christmas lights to take a peak at what my ring looked like!

We grabbed some pictures and Mike gave me a dozen red roses :) Roses...another love of mine.

At the end, Mike said, "Ok, this is the not so romantic part! We have to clean all this up!" Needless to say, Mike cleaned up while I stood there smelling the roses and looking at my ring under the flashlight.

As we made our way back down the hill, and arrived at the car, Mike's friend was there switching out the cars. I must rewind for a moment. Way back in April 2009, Mike took me out in his old Camero on our first date. While we were eating at a restaurant one of his friends came to switch out the cars. SO, it was only fitting that our first ride as an engaged couple was in his old Camero :)

SO, there ya have it! He did an amazing job and gave me a more beautiful ring than I could have dreamt of. More than that, I am so blessed to be engaged to the man that I love and will call my husband soon!

Releasing expectations

As many of you know, I recently went on another trip to Haiti! What a joy it was to be back. From the outside, perhaps the trip looked much the same from other trips: amazing team, hiked the mountains to do medical clinics, spent time with the orphans and youth, worked around the orphanage, spent time with the locals, and prayed.
However, what was VERY different was the work the Lord was doing in me...

Expectation #1: Co-lead the team, being involved in everything going on.
Lesson learned: Being reminded that I cannot be in all places at once, but God can.

Expectation #2: Become BFF's with team members.
Lesson learned: Haha...ok, maybe not best friends, but close friends. On previous trips, I was able to make some solid connections with many of the girls on the team. I was used to hearing their testimonies, sharing mine and becoming great friends. However, on previous trips, I was single. This time my boyfriend Mike was a part of the team :) I was happy he was there, but didn't realize how 'different' it would be to not be that single person that floats around and gets to know everyone. God was doing a lot of 'breaking down' within me, which caused for me to have to learn that I'm not going to become BFF's with everyone on the team. I still felt like I connected with the ladies...it was just different than I had expected.

Expectation #3: My boyfriend Mike and I would have an amazing, easy-going time.
Lesson learned: Even though we said we wouldn't have expectations of one another, we did! It definitely wasn't an easy trip for us. We learned a ton about each other and ourselves...both good and bad. Thankfully, God's grace was over us and we have since been able to grow in our relationship through this experience together.

Expectation #4: The orphans and youth would be around as much as they have been on previous trips.
Lesson learned: Since the orphans moved to the new orphanage, they are not 'around' as much. I had to make special trips over to see them. I was used to them greeting me with smiles at the compound. Now I was having to seek them out. The youth was also pretty scattered. Some of them were around a fair amount, but most of the time, the compound was pretty bare. (Side note: I think its really healthy for the orphans to be in the new orphanage. They have more of a schedule and don't get disrupted as much with teams coming and going. I believe that overall this is a great move...I just had to go through some personal adjustments)

Expectation #5: We would see some spiritual craziness/awesomeness.
Lesson learned: We cannot 'make' God do anything. In his timing he will heal. In his will he will bring people to him. And perhaps we didn't 'see' anything 'crazy awesome' we still need to believe that it was happening. That all our prayers were being heard and lives were being changed. And that, is the important part. People coming to know Jesus. I was being reminded that we don't need to see to believe. P.S. please pray for this girl that is stuck in a wheelchair in the mountains.

I suppose I could call these 'bigger' expectations the Lord was breaking down within me.
There were some other expectations, however, that were met!

Expectation #6: I would get to spend time with my friend Darline.

Expectation #7: We would sweat.

Expectation #8: We would eat rice and beans...and fish with eyeballs!

Expectation #9: We would share the love of Jesus.

Expectation #10: We would be changed forever.

This boy came to one of the clinics. He probably had a simple wound, but since he didn't get medical care when it first happened, he came to us with a severely infected wound. We take our medical care for granted!

Grandma's Marathon 2011

It really happened...again. I ran another marathon! I cannot believe that it was here and gone already.

Saturday June 18, 2011 proved to be quite the day. The morning began with down-pouring rain. As I looked out the window of the hotel, my mom and I chuckled at what was to come. And really, the rain didn't end up being the issue...

To preface the run....
Charisse and I go way back. We met through church about 4 years ago. Ok, so maybe we don't go 'way' back, but it feels like we should :) Charisse is what I call a 'soul sister'. Ever since I met her and have gotten to know her, we've realized over the years that our spirits connect in much the same way. Not only do we see God in similar ways, but we also have similar morals and values, work in the 'baby world' together, we understand each others ways of thinking, and we have even physically, emotionally and spiritually hurt when the other person is hurting.

And over the past few years we have found out that not only do we run a similar pace in life, but also on the road.

So, as I thought about running this marathon, I didn't waste a moment asking Charisse to do it with me.

As we began our run, I felt great. The rain had stopped. We were at a good pace. Lots of excited people around us. And one of my best friends at my side. What more could a girl ask for?!

However, after only a few miles into the run, I began to sense that something was wrong with Charisse. I could tell she was having to really work to get into pace, to tell stories...to focus. She abruptly stopped running after only 2-3 miles into the run. She said she was having troubles breathing. We then tried setting a little different pace, but still had the same results. For 16 miles (!!!) we ended up doing a walk/run...more walking than running. For many of those miles I tried to encourage Charisse, pray over her, push her, walk with her, love on her, etc. But nothing was seeming to work! She tried to convince me for many miles to run on ahead without her. I was determined though to stick with her. I wasn't in this race to win it after all!

However, after many miles of us going back and forth...Charisse trying to convince me to run on without her...me telling her I wouldn't leave her side...she won. She finally said, "Heidi, I think you might be the 'problem.' I think I feel like I'm holding you back and I need you to go on without me." When I finally had that release, I felt ok leaving her. I knew that she would be ok. I knew there were plenty of people around to take care of her if something happened.
So at mile 16 I took off.
I don't know many people who can say at mile 16 they felt awesome, but I did. I feel like it was actually a blessing from God that I hadn't extorted all my energy...that I felt so good. I felt like I was sprinting. As I ran by people I had enough energy and 'peppiness' to encourage them, cheer for them, push them to keep going. I even had some guy yell at me as I passed, "hey lady, you have WAY too much energy for mile 20." And with a big smile, I turned around at him and said, "Thanks, I KNOW! And hey, way to go. You got it. Push it to the end!!"
I was filled with so much joy in running the last 10 miles. Words just cannot explain it. I was also able to catch up to a co-worker of mine and run with her for a while. Finally at mile 25 she told me, "Heidi, you have WAY too much energy for this point. Please go on without me and push it all the way to the end." And that was just what I needed to sprint the last 1.2 miles to the finish.

Charisse ended up coming in after me only a few minutes later. She said that after she had 'released' me, that she felt so much better and was able to run without walking! Praise God.
We still don't understand why it worked out that way. But we both agree that its what needed to happen. For some reason we were both suppose to run our own races that day. We also both have great stories of people we were able to run with the last 10 miles. People that we were able to encourage. People that we probably wouldn't have encountered unless we were NOT running together.
I guess God had it all in his plan.
I also got another little blessing at the finish line. I had originally had a goal to finish the marathon in 4 hours, 45 minutes. However, when Charisse and I had those difficulties with the first 16 miles, we were projected to finish well over 5 hours. I had battled deep within myself to 'get over it' and just be a good friend. It was honestly a very tough battle that went on within me as I tried to stick it out with her. God did a lot of work in me to help me to release my expectations of finishing in that time and instead to just trust in Him.

With that said, with the energy that I had to run the last 10 miles, I was able to make up for lost time. I finished exactly in 4 hours, 45 minutes and 46 seconds!
Wow is all I could say. I'm still amazed.

I write this blog many months after running the race. I had started writing it out a few days after the race, but really couldn't find the words to say or what the race even meant to me. This race just didn't go as 'planned'. However, it wasn't a bad race in the end. If you would have asked me though (during the first 16 miles) what I thought of the race, I would have probably grumbled. However, looking back now and seeing all that God had planned for the end, just amazes me. A good reminder that when we cannot see the end in sight, we need to keep trusting that God has all things in control. And that he CAN and DOES see the end.

So, with that said, I was finally able to finish writing my thoughts on the race. I have many more, but this will do. I'm also able to see the bigger picture (perhaps) of what the Lord has been teaching me this summer. I feel like God is trying to ween out of me some expectations that I've set up of myself and others. And I think this marathon was just the beginning of breaking through expectations that I have on this race called 'life' :)